False Humility: The Difference Between Modesty and True Humility
Many of us weren’t actually taught humility. We were taught to make ourselves smaller to survive.
A few weeks ago, I was at brunch with two other Black women of Caribbean descent. One of them shared that she was raised to be humble. To which I said: I think we were taught false humility.
That conversation stayed with me. I started noticing how I used the word humility and sat with it to understand what I was truly saying in those moments. It clicked when I thought about the word modesty.
Modesty is external. It’s reserved behavior, lack of boastfulness, and moderate estimations of one’s abilities. It’s downplaying yourself. Staying measured and within a prescribed boundary. Not drawing too much attention to oneself.
Humility is internal. It’s a state of being. It’s knowing your worth without needing to place yourself above others. Humble implies an acknowledgment that one is not superior to others.
Modesty says: “Don’t be too much.”
Humility says: “I know who I am. I don’t need to prove it or diminish it.”
Modesty is a performance; humility is presence.
Modesty is a strategy. A way of navigating environments, protecting ourself, avoiding challenging the ego of others, staying appropriate and maintaining acceptance.
It is a way of creating safety in environments that were built in specific ways. This is the survival response of fawning.
Over time, that external way of being becomes internal. And instead of regulating our environment, it starts to shape how we see ourselves.
Without realizing it, we start to believe being less visible and shrinking ourselves creates safety. Our system learns that visibility needs to be managed to ensure our survival.
We begin to downplay our power and shrink our expression in the name of being “humble.” But that’s not humility. That’s self-diminishment. The tendency to shrink isn’t a moral virtue. It’s an adaptation that has endured without context for so long we forgot it was a performance.
Society uses “humility” as a weapon to keep people from claiming their power.
True humility asks you to stay grounded without abandoning yourself in the process.
The body is grounded in this way of being. That only becomes possible when you’re connected internally.
Because when you’re grounded in yourself you can:
be seen without feeling like you’re taking up too much space
honor others without feeling like you’re losing something
hold your power without needing to perform or suppress it
That’s internal safety.
There is a difference between how we learned to move in the world and who we actually are underneath the performance.
This is what The Leader’s Return is about. Reconnecting to your inner world. Restoring internal safety. And returning to a version of yourself that no longer needs to shrink to stay safe.